So…let’s talk about breakups

So…let’s talk about breakups. I’ve been through a lot of them. I’d say four major breakups and a few dozen minor ones, but they’re never fun. I’m not married and I haven’t been in a relationship for longer than two years so, I’m no relationship guru, but I have been through a lot of breakups, and that’s why I’m writing to you. These are some things I learned the harder way. I’m hoping that you’ll take something from it for your next breakup, or your current breakup, or send it to someone you think might need it. Nonetheless, I hope it’s helpful, because breakups are hard, and getting over someone and moving on is even harder, and we all need a little help sometimes. 

So, here we go.

Alright, so you’re going through a breakup. Whether you were broken up with or you did the breaking up, both put you in a vulnerable position. No matter how long, or short, or good, or bad the relationship was, there’s always a sense of loss involved. You’re losing someone who was once very, very important to you. And even if you find a way to stay friends, there is still loss. People become accustom to behaving around and with each other in a certain way. And that way of that life that you became accustom to, has now ended. And that’s loss. 

Most breakups are for the best. Even if you get back together, I’ve rarely met anyone who has regretted a breakup years down the road. But just because something is for the best, doesn’t mean it will feel best. It’s still loss. You’re losing a relationship, and that reality is a hard one to deal with.

 So, let’s just say that the first thing to note is that, “Breakups are hard.” They just are. Breakups are complicated, sometimes they’re clean, occasionally you’ll be blindsided, or you’ll blindside someone else. But literally any way you swing it, breakups are hard. Even when you’ve done the breaking up, and you’re sure you’re making the right choice, even then it’s hard. So, let’s just say as a blanket statement, that no matter the given situation, “Breakups are hard.” I say this because I think that admitting that breakups are hard establishes a need to heal, and healing is important. If we don’t take time to heal, we carry those things into our future relationships and we extend the actual breakup process. So, do yourself, and your future partner a favor and give yourself time, and care, and space to heal. 

Let me give you a funny-ish example. I can remember a post breakup time in my life where I really thought I was pretty much over someone. I wasn’t thinking about them all the time, I hadn’t cried in weeks, I just thought I was fine. I went on a string of dates with a new guy, who was really great. Like really, really great! Kind, and smart, good looking, respectful. He was the whole damn package! Interested in my life, challenging, and encouraging. Like, just literally the best guy. I started falling for him. He was everything my old ex wasn’t. It was just easy. And then we kissed, and I was so excited! Except, the second his lips touched mine all I could think about was my old ex-boyfriend. I could literally see his face in my mind. I had spent months not thinking about him, and weeks falling for this new guy, and then he kissed me, and suddenly he was all I could think about. I can remember just wanting to cry. 

I was so frustrated! This relationship had already taken up so much of my life, why did it have to stand in the way of something so good?! And that question is one I don’t really have an answer to, you’d have to take that one up with God. But what I can say is, that I think that breakups make you vulnerable. In fact, I really believe that to my core. I really believe that breakups make you vulnerable. And that vulnerability makes it really easy to fall into new things. You’re hurting, or disappointed, or disillusioned, or angry, or confused, or bored and this shiny, new thing comes along and fills this little hole in your heart. And it’s just easy. It’s uncomplicated. It doesn’t have all, “things,” that led you to the end of a relationship. And there are a lot of times that it works out, and I’m glad it does! But when it comes to dating, I want a clean slate in someone’s heart, and I think that someone else deserves a clean slate in mine. And that clean slate only happens when enough healing occurs. Where you appreciate someone simply for who they are, and not for who they aren’t. Where it isn’t, “Man, this guy is so attentive and my ex was so x, y and z.” But just, “Wow, I love how much he notices the little things, he really pays attention.”

The point is here, “Breakups are hard.” But it’s okay that it’s hard. Push yourself to feel what you need to. Talk it out. Write it out. Cry it out. Give yourself time and space even when you don’t think you need to. Sit in the discomfort of getting over someone. Remind yourself how happy you can be, just being, “you.” Because on the other side is a better you. A healthier, happier, more grateful you.

Ok, so this one sucks. But, it’s real. And it needs to be said. Watching your ex move on with someone else sucks. Even if you’re over them, it sucks. It’s hard to watch someone you love fall in love with someone else, someone who isn’t you. No matter who ended the relationship, watching your ex move on, leaves this lingering feeling of rejection. It just sucks. 

Do yourself a favor and just delete your social media for a while. Seeing things isn’t going to help you. It won’t give you closure. It won’t help you move on. It might just open up old feelings, or insecure questions like, “Why is she so different from me? Am I not good enough?” Or the sabotaging thought of, “She’s better than me, or prettier, or whatever.” 

So, this is what I need to say. And this is what I’ve had to tell myself time and time again. “Making them bad in your mind, won’t make you feel any better about yourself.”“Making her/him bad in my mind, won’t make me feel any better about myself.” Oof. That hits, huh? 

I think we humans have this weird tendency. When our friends go through breakups and their exes move on with someone new, we like to tell them this thing. We tell them, “You’re so much better than her.” “You’re way prettier.” “You’re so much smarter.” “She’s so fake.” “You’re way better.”

We say these things in an effort to encourage our hurting friends. But the truth is, that feelings of rejection will not be healed by demonizing anyone else. Thinking someone is “bad,” will not make you feel better. I think humans are really bad at dealing with our own hurt. Instead of just saying, “Man, my ex is moving onto another relationship and I’m really hurt, and I feel rejected,” we project our feelings of hurt onto another person. Even in situations of infidelity, demonizing someone else WILL NOT make you feel better. No matter how hurt you are, that, “other person,” is a person. They’re worthy of dignity, and love, and forgiveness, and honestly, they’re probably really great. You can be great, and he/she can be great too. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. 

 What I needed to hear, and maybe what you need to hear when your ex is moving on without you is…

“Hey, you’re amazing. You’re incredible. You’re so kind and capable. And I know your heart hurts, and I know that you feel confused. But I need you to know that you’re still so loved and covered.”

Resist the urge to romanticize the past. When you’re going through a breakup or reeling from an ex moving on, it’s easy to romanticize the relationship in your mind. It’s easy to only think about the good things, the things you miss. The things that kept you in the relationship in the first place. But as a friend once told me, “If nothing’s changed, then you still made the right decision.” The breakup happened for a reason, and it honestly doesn’t even matter what it was. But that reason for relational breakdown, is still reason enough right now. Gently remind yourself of this. 

Breaking up and moving on is all a balancing act, and I’m certainly no expert at it. It’s the tension between giving yourself time to grieve and not dwelling unnecessarily, between choosing not to rebound but also not being afraid to take a chance. There’s no perfect way to do it. 

This is obviously not an exhaustive handbook on handling breakups well. But these three lessons still stand for me. Breakups are hard. Making them bad in your mind, won’t make you feel any better. And, if nothing’s changed then you still made the right decision. 

 I’m sorry this is hard. Grieve. Give yourself time.

When your ex moves on, try not to look. Them being great, doesn’t mean that you aren’t. 

And don’t worry about the, “what if’s,” in your head. You made the right decision. 

I wish I didn’t have to write this piece. I mean, I know no one is forcing my hand, but I wish I didn’t have a reason to. I wish you never had to go through breakups. But I do know that breakups make you stronger, and they make you softer. They’re this necessary kind of difficult. I think breakups lead you back to yourself sometimes. It’s this sobering moment of honesty. This thing you hoped for and worked for came to a screeching halt, and now you’re standing in the rubble of the ruins of your relationship. And standing there, with miles of air around you, you can finally see yourself in more poignant honesty. The things you love about yourself, and the things you’re determined to change. And in the bravery that comes from standing on your own, you can face down the giants of your life with renewed strength, knowing that you’re a conqueror, and you can do this! And you can be grateful, I know I am, for the wide-open space that this pain afforded you, and for eyes to see who you are right now, and who you hope to be. Those moments of honesty are so precious, and oftentimes, they come at the expense of a loss. But I hope you know, that even in this loss, there is so much more for you to gain. So much more of yourself to win. So much life ahead. And so much peace to be had right now, even in the middle of things you don’t totally understand. It’s a balancing act. It’s pain that leads to enlightenment. It’s loss that leads to innumerable gain. It’s a running dichotomy, as life often is. 

 So, to you, on the other end of this page. I’m thinking about you as your heart keeps on healing. Even now you’re still growing. And if no one told you, I’m really sorry that this happened, but I’m really proud of you for still going.